The Effects of Childhood Trauma

Nearly half of all children in the U.S. have endured one or more

traumatic experiences which threaten the life or wholeness of the child or someone really important to him/her. Common childhood traumas include: abuse (physical, sexual or verbal); neglect (physical or emotional); having a parent who is addicted to alcohol or other drugs or has a mental illness; a child who witnesses domestic violence or loses a parent to abandonment, divorce or death.

While every child reacts differently to trauma, the common thread

is that they are more likely to view the world and the people in it as

unpredictable, untrustworthy and unsafe. Many times, these children

have difficulties in their relationships and coping with their emotions.

They are likely to experience sleep problems, churning stomachs,

increased heart rates and be on constant high alert for potential danger.  Adolescents who’ve suffered traumatic events are also more likely to make poor choices, underachieve and/or fail in school, act aggressively towards others, be promiscuous and engage in delinquent activity.

Substance abuse is also common among youth who’ve experienced trauma. They turn to alcohol or other drugs in an attempt to avoid those overwhelming negative feelings. But in doing so, they create a cycle of re-victimization.

For these teens, reminders of past trauma elicit cravings for alcohol and other drugs. These substances however, further impair their ability to cope with distressing and traumatic events, increasing their likelihood of engaging in further risky behaviors that could lead to additional trauma. So in the end, instead of drowning-out their pain, they have only increased it.

The consequences of childhood trauma do not necessarily end with

childhood either. A CDC study revealed a direct link between childhood trauma and the adult onset of chronic disease, mental illness and violence. And, as the number of traumatic childhood experiences increased, so too did a child’s risk for lifelong negative consequences.

Without help and support from caring adults, children who have

experienced trauma are likely to suffer physically and mentally and deal with those feelings in unhealthy ways. If you are a parent, grandparent, caregiver or teacher of a child who has gone through or is going through some type of trauma, you can make a difference and potentially change the course of their future.

In our next tip, Know! The Importance of Trauma-Informed Parenting, you will learn a parenting strategy to provide help and hope for a hurting child.

Sources: ACES too high: Nearly 35 million U.S. children have

experienced one or more types of childhood trauma. Centers for

Disease Control and Prevention: Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACES). National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN): Caring for Children Who Have Experienced Trauma: A workshop for resource parents (2010). National Survey of Children’s Health: Adverse Childhood Experiences, 2012.

3 Steps To Help Your Teen Pursue Their Dream

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We all have dreams for our children. It is good for us to share those dreams with them. Just as important is helping them to dream for themselves. Here are some tools o share with your child on having the life they dream of.

From a young age, others dream for us. Usually it’s well-meaning parents calling out future potential. Then teachers, coaches, pastors, and others in authority, cast their hopes for us. It becomes harder and harder to tell the difference between others dreams for us and our own dreams. Their dreams become ours.

The challenge with others dreams is that to see our dreams come to reality they must come from within. Chasing another’s dream for is can become a distraction from the life you truly desire. Here are 3 steps to dig out your dream:

1. Be alone with yourself

We must be alone with ourselves to turn off all of the voices except the one that is internal. In this busy society we must be intentional to make this happen. Technology is unrelenting and a constant distraction.The noise makes it impossible to see the bread crumbs of your passion, talents, and abilities. The other reason alone time is important is because we often bring others in too early in the process of evaluating our dreams. Alone time must be a constant to help refocus and reevaluate.

“We all have two choices; We can make a living or we can design a life.” – Jim Rohn

2. Write it down

Writing down and putting on paper our dreams, is a necessity. When a dream is written it reminds us of what is non-negotiable. There will be aspects of your dream that you will need to let go or change but there must be things that you won’t budge on no matter what. Writing helps us to distill the difference. Writing also serves as a place to go for hope. We will get discouraged along the journey and we will need to put fuel in our tank. Fuel comes to us be reconnecting with our vision. Put your dream in writing so that you will have an anchor to come back to.

3. Feedback

Feedback is a crucial step but a few words of caution. First, we shouldn’t get feedback too early in the process. Make sure that you are firm in where you stand. Second, be cautious of who gives you feedback and who you listen to. Many times we are excited about our dreams and share them with the wrong people. Find others that have been where you want to go and get their feedback. Find out what it takes to get there. They will prepare you for roadblocks, hurdles, and challenges along your journey. They will help you tweak your dream but remember certain parts of your dream must be concrete.

“This one step – choosing a goal and sticking to it – changes everything.” – Scott Reed

As you realign and recalibrate your preferred future, you will find a new found energy and passion. The road is long but it is worth it. Stay true to you and that inner cry. Skill can be learned, but the inner fire is what you want to cultivate. Be blessed on your journey.

Are you chasing your dreams or someone else’s? Please leave your comments below!

Puberty and a Child’s Brain

Puberty is a Brain-Changer

Cracking voices, body odor and wild mood swings – all indicators of the long-awaited and sometimes dreaded period in every adolescents’ life – we’re talking puberty. Most youth are well-aware of the physical changes they can expect their bodies to go through, but do they know the impact of puberty on their brains? Are your children aware that all these hormonal changes affect the way they feel, think and act? If not, it is important to have the other half of, “the talk” with your child. Biologically speaking, puberty begins when the brain signals the release of certain hormones into the bloodstream. This typically occurs somewhere between the ages of 8 to 14 for girls, and 11 to 17 for boys. The onset of puberty varies greatly among individuals and is a process that can take years. Regardless of gender or age however, puberty causes dramatic changes to the brain. Youth need to be aware of the mental and emotional changes that accompany puberty, along with healthy ways to cope with the roller-coaster ride of ups and downs. Let your child know that they are likely to experience a number of new feelings and emotions during puberty: Feeling Sensitive: Their body is changing and they may feel awkward and self-conscious about it. They may feel extra-sensitive when someone criticizes or teases them. It may take very little to set them off and they may question if what they are feeling is “normal.” They may also feel like no one understands them. Intense Emotions: Their emotions are likely to become stronger and more intense. What used to be a “like” is now a “love!” What used to be a dislike is now a “hate!” What used to be a “little envy” is now “extreme jealousy.” Mood Swings: Their emotions seem to flip-flop back and forth. They may be laughing and seemingly feeling happy one minute, then they are suddenly in tears and immensely sad the next. They may be getting along just fine with siblings, then out of nowhere they are screaming at them. Romantic Feelings: While they may have had a romantic thought or two about another person before, the way they feel now is different, more intense. Or, having romantic feelings and thoughts may be a completely new experience for them altogether. Conflict: They may begin to have stronger opinions or opinions that are independent from family members. This may cause them to question family rules and values. They may seek more freedom and space, which may lead to conflict with parents, friends or others. Reassure your child that all of this is a natural part of growing up and that none of these feelings or emotions make him/her strange or weird. In addition to reassuring children, you can help by sharing healthy ways for them to cope with the stress of puberty. Remind them that they are not alone and that even peers who appear to be sailing smoothly through puberty are likely struggling with the same feelings. Encourage them to gather more information on the topic, because like anything else, knowing the facts can make it less challenging to go through. Remind them that you are there for them, ready to listen, ready to answer questions and ready to provide guidance (if asked). For the times they prefer to talk to someone other than mom or dad, encourage them to reach out to a trusted friend who is a good listener and will allow them to vent and get things off their chest. Many adolescents find that hanging out with their friends, writing, drawing, getting active or even just sitting back listening to music serve as a great stress-relievers. While puberty typically brings to mind the changing of one’s outward appearance, there are big changes occurring inwardly as well. While it is important to give your growing adolescent some space and increased freedom, it is also important to make it clear that you are still right there for him/her, providing information, encouragement and support. Sources: PBS Kids: Puberty – Brain Changes, Strange Changes. Seven Counties Services, Inc., Angela Oswalt, MSW, edited by Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.: Mental/Emotional/Social Changes through Puberty.

Friends

Friendships are vital to a person’s well-being, especially during the teenage years when key developmental changes are taking place. Friendships can help children grow morally and emotionally. They learn how to communicate, cooperate and solve problems in relationships, which will benefit them throughout life. Research shows that friendships can also help youth avoid delinquency, isolation and other negative characteristics that are many times associated with the teenage years.

There are several important factors here however. First, when we say “friends,” we’re not talking about the hundreds of “connections” our children have online or something that can occur with the mere acceptance of a “friend request.” We are talking about real-life relationships that require both time and effort. Second, we are talking healthy, positive relationships. Too often, children desire to be friends with a peer based on superficial reasons like popularity or wealth (he/she has a giant house, expensive clothes and all the cool gadgets). Friendships based solely on these factors are not likely to last, and may end painfully. The third factor to keep in mind is that the influence and impact of young friendships are powerful – for better or worse. It should not be about the number of friends our children have, but the quality of the friendships. Children must be able to recognize quality friendships, how they look and how they should feel.

While there is no official check-list in determining quality relationships, here are some common traits among tried and true friendships.

(Parent to child) “When you can say the other person…

• Is fun to be around, makes you smile and laughs with you
• Is adaptable and doesn’t always have to have his/her way
• Is kind and has respect for you
• Is trustworthy with your secrets big and small
• Is honest with you, even when it is not what you want to hear
• Is loyal and dependable
• Listens attentively and cares about what you have to say
• Accepts you for who you are, even when you’re not at your best
• Is happy for you when you reach your goal and is a shoulder to cry on when you don’t
• Is supportive of you and has your best interest in mind
• Does not ask you to compromise your morals or values
• Does not put you in harm’s way or encourage you to engage in risky behaviors
• Does not put you down (to your face or behind your back) or purposely hurt your feelings

                                                                             …then you have a real friend.”

Remind your son or daughter that maintaining a friendship means being a good friend in return.

During the tween/teen years, our children are likely to prefer spending time with their friends over us. Instead of taking it personally, use it as an opportunity to get to know your children’s friends and see firsthand how they interact together. Allow your children to include friends in a family outing or invite them to dinner. Afterwards, make it a point to chat with your son or daughter about what you saw, whether it was positive or negative. Believe it or not, our parental influence remains strong and our opinion still matters. Be sure to keep the conversation going by talking regularly with your children about healthy relationships, reminding them that real friends are uplifting and encouraging, and make them feel good about themselves. At this point it is up to our children to pick their friends, but it is up to us to continue to empower them to choose those friends wisely.

Sources: ReachOut.com: What makes a good friend?  Millie Ferrer and Anne Fugate – Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences (IFAS) University of Florida: The Importance of Friendship for School-Age Children

Parents Making A Difference

Without question, Talking With Your Children is extremely important in our efforts to protect our kids from alcohol and drugs.  But there are other things that we need to do as parents to be effectively involved in preventing alcohol and drug problems for our kids and in our families.

Before we review our Ten Tips for Parents, there are two important points to be aware of:

1. Why is there so much focus on keeping kids alcohol and drug free?

Recent scientific research has found that the longer an individual postpones the onset (first use) of alcohol, tobacco or other drug use, the less likely the individual is to develop an addiction or other lifelong problems, including depression.

2. The Power of Parents: Believe it or not, parents are the most powerful influence on their kids when it comes to drugs.  Recent research has found that 2 out of 3 kids ages 13-17 say that losing their parents’ respect is one of the main reasons they don’t drink alcohol, smoke marijuana or use other drugs.

So then, as a parent, what can I do use my influence to encourage or promote prevention efforts with my children?  Here are Ten Tips for Parents:

1)     Don’t Be Afraid to be the “Bad” Parent:  Sometimes, our fear of negative reaction from our kids keeps us from doing what is right.  When it comes to alcohol and drugs, taking a tough stand can help our children to say no….“my mom or my dad would kill me if I drank or used.”  Our decisions and our rules allow our child to use us as “the reason” for not using alcohol or drugs.

2)     Connect With Your Child’s Friends:  Pay attention to who your child is hanging out with, who’s coming to the house and get to know them.  Encourage your child’s friends to come to your home, invite them for dinner and make them feel welcomed.  Encourage your child to invite friends over to the house.

3)     Make Connections With Other Parents Too:  As you get to know your kids friends, take the opportunity to introduce yourself to his/her parents.  It’s a great way to build mutual support and share your rules about alcohol and drugs.  And, it will make it easier for you to call if your son/daughter is going to a party at their house to make sure that there will be responsible parental supervision.

4)     Promote Healthy Activities:  Help your kids, and their friends, learn how to have fun, and fight off the dreaded “I’m bored.”  Physical games, activities and exercise are extremely important because of the positive physical and mental benefits.  Encourage kids to become engaged in other school and community activities such as music, sports, arts or a part-time job.  The more your children are active, the less time they have to get caught up in the pressure from peers to drink alcohol and use drugs.

5)     Establish Clear Family Rules About Alcohol and Drugs:  Setting specific, clear rules is the foundation for parental efforts in prevention, some ideas:

• Kids under 21 will not drink alcohol
• Kids will not ride in a car with someone who has been drinking or using drugs
• Older brothers and sisters will not encourage younger kids to drink or use drugs
• Kids under 21 will not host parties at our home without parental supervision
• Kids will not stay at a kid’s party where alcohol or drugs are present.

Consistent enforcement of the rules, with consequences, if needed is essential.  Without consequences the rules have no value and will not work.

6)     Get Educated About Alcohol and Drugs:  You cannot rely on your own personal experiences or common sense to carry you through.  Your ability to provide family leadership in prevention requires you to be better educated.  As a start, visit Learn About Alcohol and Learn About Drugs.  And, as you learn, share what you are learning with your spouse and your kids.

7)     Be a Role Model and Set a Positive Example:  Bottom line…. from a kid’s perspective, what you do is more important than what you say!  Research studies show that parents who drink alcohol or use drugs are more likely to have kids who drink or use.  If you drink alcohol, do so in moderation; if you use medication, use only as directed, and do not use illegal drugs.  If you host a party, always serve alternative non-alcoholic beverages and do not let anyone drink and drive.

8)     Keep Track of Your Child’s Activities:  Asking questions, keeping track, checking in are all important.  Research has found that young people who are not regularly monitored by their parents are four times more likely to use alcohol or drugs.  Make the time to know what is happening in your child’s life – especially in families where both parents work outside of the home, life is busy but you must find time for your children – know what they are up to!

9)     Keep Track of Alcohol and Prescription Drugs:  For kids, the most common source of alcohol and prescription drugs is parents.  Make sure that your home is not a source of alcohol or prescription drugs for your kids or their friends.

10) Get Help!:  If at any point you suspect that your child is having a problem with alcohol and/or drugs (What to Look For), get help.  Don’t wait.  You are not alone.

AS A PARENT, YOU CAN HELP PREVENT YOUR CHILD FROM BECOMING ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL OR DRUGS. 

TAKING ACTION IS PREVENTION

For additional information, Learn About Alcohol, Learn About Drugs or Get Help may be helpful.

Helpful Words We Should Always Use

Photo by Alenavlad/Thinkstock

“I love you,” is a no brainer. But now that praise like, “You’re so smart!” has been shown to undermine motivation and “That’s perfect!” to breed crippling perfectionism, we are left to wonder: What phrasesshould we be feeding those little sponges in our homes? Yahoo Parenting polled child development experts for the go-to words that moms and dads can offer their kids with confidence to encourage and empower them at every age. So go ahead, let ’em fly!

1) Tell Toddlers: “Please do…”
“Toddlers entire lives are about exploration and they’re constantly getting into things,” Positive Parenting Solutions founder and author of “If I Have to Tell You One More Time…” Amy McCready tells Yahoo Parenting. “If they’re constantly told, ‘No, No, Don’t, Don’t,’ it’s really discouraging. Clearly state specifically what you want your child to do and they’re more likely to understand and execute it.” (Think: “Use gentle hands,” instead of, “Don’t hit the cat!”) This age group’s developing command of language requires them to double process what not to do, she explains, adding, “’Do,’ commands make things far less frustrating for children and parents alike.”

2) Tell preschoolers: “Yes!”
Power struggles can plague young children and their parents but it doesn’t have to be this way. The solution is to find ways to respond to each ask with a “Yes,” says McCready. Is your daughter pleading to ride bikes right when you have to do the Friday grocery run? Instead of saying no, try, “Yes, bike riding sounds awesome! Should we ride on Saturday or Sunday?” Sure, it requires you to think through your answer but the parenting expert assures that with practice, positive responses become natural. Plus, it’s worth the effort, she adds. “All the times you say, ‘No,’ throughout the day invites negotiation, badgering and begging. Hearing ‘yes,’ is more empowering.”

STORY: My Biggest Parenting Regret

3) Tell elementary schoolers: “That work really paid off!”
Praise is important, psychologist and “Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence” author Dr. Carl Pickhardt tells Yahoo Parenting. “Simple, direct, positive verbal responses to specific actions or decisions your child made build their self-confidence.” For this group, which is receiving grades for the first time, be sure to commend effort over results. “You want to foster what is known as a ‘growth mindset,’” McCready explains. “This implies that when you work hard and get good results, you’re not just smart, you’re capable. Show children that you value their hard work and perseverance and they’ll continue to apply it to school, the soccer field and, even later, on the job.”

4) Tell tweens: “I hear you.”
During the era of rebellion, a little empathy goes a long way. Demonstrate that you recognize what your tween is going through, and McCready swears he won’t act like everything is you against him. “When tweens feel that you’re on their team as difficult issues come up — bullying at school or a new relationship — they’ll be more likely to come to you and open up about it,” he notes. Simply show that you understand where your child is coming from. “Say, ‘I hear you, loading the dishwasher isn’t my favorite chore either. I hear you,” she recommends. “It helps kids feel, ‘Mom gets me!’”

STORY: The One-Hour Intervention That Can Change Your Teen’s Life

5) Ask teens: “What’s your plan?”
“We can’t expect teenagers to take responsibility if we don’t give them opportunities to practice it,” says McCready. So well before they drive off to college, begin to transition from telling them what to do to asking lots of questions. “Say, ‘What’s your plan for finishing that project?’ Or, ‘What’s your plan for getting a job this summer? How can I support you in that?’” she explains. “This expresses your confidence that they are capable of coming up with their own strategy and requires them to give you some critical thinking.” Of course they’ll mess things up at times, she adds, but they’ll recognize that you trust them and it’ll build their independence. “Trust is critical,” Dr. Katharine Kersey, author of “The Art of Sensitive Parenting” and a former professor of early childhood education at Old Dominion University, adds for Yahoo Parenting. “If teenagers know that you trust their judgment, it will make them want to live up to the expectations you have of them.”

Jennifer O’NeillWriter

Tough Questions

Teens, Parents and Alcohol: Tough Questions You Need to Answer

Posted: 10/03/2014 5:29 pm EDT Updated: 10/03/2014 6:59 pm EDT

Rolled eyes, sullen silence or even outright denial; these are often the reactions parents encounter when they try to talk with their adolescent children about alcohol. As a pediatrician, I get a lot of tough questions from parents about how to broach this subject with their teens. It can be a difficult situation for parents and one full of awkwardness, but it’s critical for parents to at least start the conversation, as it will open the door for ongoing conversations in the future.

In my experience talking with parents of teens, I am frequently asked the following: Is underage drinking really a problem? Has it changed since I was teenager?

Actually, yes to both. Fewer teens are drinking now than when you were in high school, and that is a good thing. In 2013, 68% of 12th graders drank at least oncecompared to 88% in 1991. But still, a significant number of high school students drink, and many do so with the goal of getting drunk. Binge drinking (drinking at least five drinks in a short amount of time for a male, and four drinks for a female)remains a major problem, both in high school and on college campuses.

What particularly worries parents is the prevalence of extreme binge drinking (drinking 10 or more alcoholic drinks in a single sitting) that has been documented recently; a University of Michigan study published in JAMA Pediatrics reported that 10% of high school seniors admitted to extreme binge drinking. So while the overall numbers have gone down, the volume that teens drink has increased.

Actions speak louder than words. Should I, as a parent, not drink at all to set an example?

Some parents are frank with their children about completely forbidding underage drinking. Others believe that adolescent drinking is a “rite-of-passage” and a normal part of a teen’s experimentation. Some parents may say that they do not want their children to drink at all, yet they may actually imply that it is OK or even facilitate it.

With this in mind, teens are very sensitive to hypocritical behavior. So, parents who tell children not to drink at all and then drink excessively may be sending confusing messages to their kids. Be careful and be aware of the “hypocrite challenge.” It is important to be honest, be a role model and remember that keeping your child safe is of utmost importance.

Deciding whether or not to drink is a personal decision. Just keep in mind that the choices you make can shape your own child’s judgment.

How should I respond when my teenager confides in me about her friends’ experiences with alcohol or other risky behaviors?

Emphasizing safety may be the way to handle this conversation. Your child may be concerned about a friend and how much that friend is drinking. Listen sympathetically and non-judgmentally. Offer your child some strategies to help that friend. If at any point your teen feels that a friend may be in real danger, discuss ways that he or she, perhaps with your help, can notify a trustworthy adult who can take action. Also, remind your teen not to allow herself to be put at risk because of someone else’s bad decisions. For example, your child should never get into a car with a friend who has been drinking.

Some parents say that supervising parties where alcohol is available, but taking the keys away from the teens there, is safer. Is this OK?

Many parents believe their children are going to drink anyway and that it is safer to have children drink in the family home, where they can be supervised by adults. Some parents also mistakenly believe that as long as teens don’t drive, it is OK for them to drink. Unfortunately, accidents and injuries do not always involve a car — other serious consequences of underage drinking include unwanted and unprotected sexual experiences, fighting, falls, property damage and even alcohol poisoning.

And there are the obvious legal ramifications of facilitating the consumption of alcohol by minors. Depending on the laws in your area, you may be civilly or criminally liable if something bad happens when minors are served alcohol on your property.

For more information and resources on how to talk to your teen about alcohol, please visit the Health Alliance on Alcohol website.

Thanks to huffington post for posting this. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-karen-soren/teens-parents-and-alcohol_b_5915364.html

Have more tough questions? Please ask in the comments section!

150 Great Conversation Starters with Teens

Parents often tell me they don’t know where to begin to have a “real” conversation with their child.  These questions will get you started.  Rather than badgering your child with them, use one as the jumping off point for a two-way conversation.  Start by asking your child the question, and listen to the answer, remembering to reflect back what she’s saying so she knows you understand.

Don’t shy away from expressing your opinions, as long as you remember not to lecture; kids are often curious what parents think.

The point is developing the habit of conversation and deepening your relationship.

These questions also work well to launch family dinner table conversations.

Getting to Know Your Child
• What are the three most interesting things about you?
• Name five reasons you’re glad to be alive.
• If you could have any super power, what would it be and why?
• What’s your favorite song?  Why?
• What do you want to be when you grow up? Why?
• What’s your favorite movie?  Why?
• Why do you think kids put rings in their eyebrows and noses and bellybuttons?
• How about tattoos?
• Do you think you would ever want to do that? Why or why not?
• If we could go anywhere you wanted on vacation, where would you choose? Why?
• If you could have a conversation with anyone in history, who would it be?
• What would you want to ask them?
• What is your earliest memory?
• What are you most proud of?
• If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?
• Is there anything about you that inspires other people in any way?
• What is your idea of an ideal day?
• If you were invisible where would you go and what would you do?
• What is a quality you wish you could have more of?
• If you could ask anyone for help, who would it be and why?
• What scares you the most and why?
• What makes you feel better?
• What do you worry about the most?
• What is your biggest goal this year?

Your relationship with your child
• What is your favorite thing about our relationship?
• What is your least favorite thing about our relationship?
• Do you think you can tell me anything?
• If you got into really big trouble, how do you think I would respond?
• Is there something I can do better that I am not doing now?
• Do you feel like you could talk with me about anything at all?
• If we had a special day together what would you want to do?
•  Do I ever embarrass you?

Family
• How do you think your friends’ families compare to ours? Are they about as close? Closer? More distant? Why do you think that?
• Do you think your friends talk to their parents?
• What do you think makes a family close?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how strict are the parents in this family?  What is the ideal number?
• Is the discipline in our family fair?
• What’s the best thing about our family?
•  If you could change one thing about your parents, what would it be?
•  What are the most important things your parents have taught you?
• What do you think are the most important qualities of a good parent?
• What do you think makes a happy family?
• Tell each person in the family why you’re glad they’re part of the family.
• How do you think our family is the same or different from other families?
• Do you want to have kids when you grow up?  Why or why not?
• What kind of parent will you be?
• Do you think you will be close to your siblings when you grow up?
•  How many of your ancestors can you name and what do you know about them?
•  What is your favorite family tradition?
•  What three words do you think best describe our family?

Blended families
• Do blended families take more work?  Can they be as happy as birth families?
• Do you ever miss your dad?
•  Do you think things would be different if your dad was still with us and I had never met your step-dad? How?
• Even though your step-dad is not your biological dad, you know he adores you. Do you feel close to him?
• You know, to your little sister you are completely her sister, not her stepsister. Do you feel that way, or is it different for you? Do you feel close to her?
• When you both grow up, do you think you will stay connected?
• Do you think it’s harder for adopted kids than birth kids?
•  Do you think it’s a good idea for adopted kids to look up their birth parents? Why or why not?

Values
•  What traits do you most admire in other people?
•  Do you think it’s okay to lie about your age to get into an Amusement Park with a cheaper ticket? Is it ever ok to lie?
•  Do you think your parents ever lie?
•  What kinds of lies do your friends tell their parents?
• Does it matter if a person makes a moral or immoral choice, if no one ever knows?
• Is it ever ok to cheat, in academics, sports, business?
•  Do adults automatically deserve respect? How do you earn respect?
• What could our family do that would make the world a better place?
• What do you think the biggest problem in the world is? How about in our country?
• How would you change the world if you could?
• What do you think the “take-away” message of this movie is?  • Do you admire the hero? Why or why not?

School & Learning
• Who is or was your favorite teacher? Why?
•  Do you think there is a difference between being smart and being wise?
•  What are the best and worst things about school?
•  What do you know how to do that you could teach someone else?
• How common do you think cheating is at your school?
•  What would you do if all the other kids were planning to cheat on the final and you knew that doing so would lower your grade?
•  What do you think makes the most difference in how kids do at school? Hard work, innate ability, parental supervision, peer attitudes, how good the school is?
• Do you think it makes sense to admit students to a college based only on academic achievement or should an attempt be made to achieve racial and ethnic diversity as well?
•  Do you think kids from wealthier school districts have an unfair advantage?
•  What do you think about home-schooling?

Emotions
• Do you know what EQ (emotional intelligence quotient) is?  If someone has a high EQ, what are they like?
•  How do you feel when someone is angry with you? How do you act?
•  Are you a “cup is half full” or “cup is half empty” kind of person?
•  What do you do to cheer yourself up when you feel down?
• Have I never not noticed when you’re sad?
•  What is the best way for me to help you when you feel grumpy?
•  When do you like me to hug you? When does it embarrass you?
•  What hurts your feelings? How do you act when your feelings are hurt?
•  What are the different kinds of courage?  How do you define bravery?

Drug and Alcohol use
•  Why do you think it’s illegal for kids under the age of 21 to drink alcohol?  After all, many parents do it.
•  Why are marijuana and other drugs illegall?
•  What would you do if you were in a car and the driver had been drinking or smoking marijuana?
•  What if the driver was a grown-up, like your friend’s parent?
•  What do you think happens in the brain when people smoke marijuana?  Why shouldn’t kids smoke it?
•  Have you ever thought that I drank too much? Acted differently when I drank alcohol?
•  When do you think kids are ready to try alcohol?
•  Do you know any kids or adults who you think have alcohol or drug problems?
•  When do you think kids are ready to try alcohol?
•  Do you know any kids who have tried alcohol or drugs, what do you think of them?
• What do the kids at your school do at parties?
• Have you been to a party like that? Have you ever been offered a drink? A marijuana cigarette or other drugs?
• How did you handle it?
• What would you do if you were at a party and someone passed out from drinking alcohol?
• Would you be worried about becoming addicted to alcohol or drugs?
•  Do you think coffee is a drug?  When do you think it’s ok for kids to start drinking coffee?

Friendship & Peers
•   Who is your best friend and why?
•   What traits do you look for in friends?
•   Do you think you’re good at making friends?
•   Where do you consider yourself on the shy to outgoing continuum?
•   Do you think there is a such thing as peer pressure? Do you ever feel peer pressure? Do you think some people are more susceptible to peer pressure than others? Why do you think that is?
•   What do you think makes a person popular? Are wealthier kids more popular? Kids who mature faster?
•   Are you popular? Why or why not? Would you like to be?

Love, Sex & Marriage
•   At what age do you think people can fall in love? At what age should people marry?
•   Do you think people should be married to have sex?  If not, how should they decide whether they’re ready?
•   What do you think changes when you have sex?
•   How do you think love is different in real life than it is in the movies?
•   What would be most important to you in looking for a spouse?
•   Do you think any of the kids at school are not virgins?  What do you think about that?
•  Do kids at your school actually “date”?  What do you think about the idea of “friends with benefits”?  Does the girl benefit as much as the guy?
• Do you think girls and guys have the same needs from sex and relationships?
•   Do you know anyone who’s gay?  Does anyone treat them differently? What do you think about that?
•  Why do you think people get divorced?  How do you think it affects the kids?

Body Image and Gender Roles
•   How do you think ordinary peoples’ bodies compare to the models and actors on TV?  How does it make you feel to watch them?
•  What do you think of the way girls and guys in high school dress these days?
• Do you think girls look better with or without makeup?
• Is there a difference between “attractive” and “hot”? Between “hot” and “sexy”?
•   How would you define “sexy”?  Is it important to be “sexy”? Are some of the kids at school sexy?  How does someone know if they’re sexy? Is it important that your future boyfriend or girlfriend be sexy?
•   What are the most important qualities you would want in a boyfriend or girlfriend?
•  Do you think most girls are glad when they reach puberty?  Why or why not?  Do you think most guys are glad when they reach puberty? Why or why not?
•  What’s the hardest thing about being a girl?
•  What’s the hardest thing about being a boy?
•  Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? Why do you think kids develop eating disorders? Why do you think there’s such an emphasis on thin-ness in our society?
•  Can you name three things that you really like about yourself that have nothing to do with what you look like?
•   When do you feel the most proud of who you are?

Spirituality
•   Do you believe in God?  Why or why not?  If so, how do you picture God?
•   Do you ever talk to God?
•  Is spirituality the same as religion or different?
•   Has religion played a positive or negative role in history?
•  Do you have good friends who practice religions that are different from ours?  Acquaintances?  How are you like them?  How are you different?
•   Do you think there is one best religion?  Why or why not?
•  What do you think happens after death?
•  What do you think is the meaning of life?  Why are we alive?
•  How will you know if you’ve had a successful life?

 

Supportive Parent Alert!!!

In this Supportive Parent Alert we are warning moms, dads and other caregivers about youth getting high on cough syrup. While young people abusing cough medicine is nothing new, is seems to have grown again in popularity, with one in 10 teens partaking nationwide.

Most commonly referred to as Purple Drank, Syrup, Sizzurp and Lean, this candy-flavored, cough syrup cocktail has long been glamorized in hip hop music and now among numerous other celebrities. Lil Wayne, a superstar rapper among today’s youth, literally sings the praises of Purple Drank in the song dedicated to his drug of choice called, “Me and My Drank.” Incidentally, Lil Wayne was hospitalized last year after a reported Purple Drank binge, and near-fatal overdose. Another megastar celebrity, Justin Bieber, has also helped to put this ‘Drank’ in the media spotlight. After his recent Miami Beach DUI and drag-racing arrest, reports swirled that he too is addicted to the mix.

So what exactly is in this purple drink and what makes it so appealing? It is prescription-strength cough syrup (codeine and promethazine – which also causes the purple hue) that is typically mixed with sprite or other soda and a Jolly Rancher candy (to mask the bitter flavor of the cough syrup); said to provide the user with a relaxed, euphoric high.

Because it is a colorful, sweet-tasting concoction made with a perceived ‘legal’ drug, it is many times thought to be harmless among young users. Health experts say however, this couldn’t be further from the truth. This dangerously addictive, potentially fatal mix has the ability to depress the central nervous and respiratory systems, and cause the heart and lungs to shut down. Other non-fatal side effects from the Purple Drank include drowsiness, dry mouth, nausea, dizziness, itchiness, constipation, urinary retention, impaired vision, memory loss, confusion, hallucinations and seizures. As referenced earlier, it is often called ‘Lean’ because it commonly causes the user to lose coordination and have to lean on something to be able to remain standing.

It is vitally important to talk to your children about the dangers of misusing or abusing prescription drugs of any kind, even those that appear to be less harmful, like cough medicine. Youth should also be aware that it is illegal for anyone to use another person’s prescription cough medication, whether to treat an actual cough or for recreational use, and there can be legal consequences to accompany the potential physical and mental health consequences. Parents, you can also do your part by safeguarding and monitoring all prescription and over-the-counter medications in your home, and regularly disposing of your unused and unwanted medications.

Sources: USA Today – Sizzurp: What you need to know about cough syrup high, Narconon International: Info on Purple Drank. National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) – Emerging Trends: Purple Drank.  Drugfreeactionalliance.org

How To Talk to Your Teens About Drinking

 

There are some discussions that are easier to have than others. Talking to our teens about drinking may seem uncomfortable, but it is absolutely necessary. With that in mind we post this resource for parents looking to help the teen make good and healthy choices about underage drinking?

Start the Talk, is a new interactive online tool that helps parents practice tough conversations about underage drinking with their kids in a videogame-like environment.

It is part of the Talk. They Hear You. campaign launched last spring from Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, which gives parents and caregivers information and tools to start talking to children — as early as 9 years old — about the dangers of alcohol. Research has shown that children start to think differently about alcohol between the ages of 9 and 13, and many children begin to think underage drinking is OK.

Between the ages of 9 and 13, children start to think differently about alcohol.  Many children begin to think underage drinking is OK. 

Read more at http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/healthy_kids/Talk-to-your-9-year-old-about-the-dangers-of-underage-drinking.html#lI8oQ3L0F2rOsL1s.99

The interactive tool lets you role play a 10 to 15 minute conversation between a parent and teen. Parents can practice bringing up the topic of alcohol, learn what questions to ask, get an idea of how a teen might feel during a conversation about drinking, and equip the teen with skills to get out of situations where others are drinking. To make it more realistic, the parent also has to compete with the teen getting text messages during the conversation.

For example, you can pick a conversation starter like, “As you get older, more kids in your grade might be drinking. What do you think about that?” The online tool also coaches you along the way if your line of questioning makes the teen feel defensive or uncomfortable.

As you’re talking to the teen, you can check on how well you’re achieving these goals in the conversation:

• Discouraging drinking
• Showing you care
• Showing you’re a source of information
• Showing you’ll know if your child has been drinking
• Helping your child build skills to avoid alcohol

“Ongoing, open, and calm conversations between children and their parents and caregivers are important to preventing underage alcohol use,” said Frances M. Harding, Director of SAMHSA’s Center for Substance Abuse Prevention in a written statement.  “Even when children seem like they aren’t listening, they really do hear us.”