10 Ways to talk to your Grandchild

Did you know that by strengthening lines of communication and letting your grandchild know you care, you’re building protective factors — which helps you play an important role in deterring him or her from trying drugs and alcohol? Here are 10 ways to have healthy, productive conversations with your grandchild:

1. It’s important to talk with your grandchild. A lot. Take a walk or go for a drive with her. When there’s not much eye contact, she won’t feel like she’s under a microscope.

2. Listen to your grandchild respectfully and without judgment. If you’re less critical, he will feel he can trust you more.

3. Have conversations with your grandchild on a variety of topics — activities, friends, school, job, hobbies, current events, etc.

4. Strive for honest and direct communication.

5. Listen to your grandchild’s cares and concerns. She will then feel more comfortable to open up to you when she needs your advice.

6. Take an active interest in the details of your grandchild’s life.

7. Take time to learn about your grandchild’s hobbies — and share your skills as well.

8. Give praise and positive feedback.

9. Offer encouragement for achievements — both large and small — and be sure to attend at least some of your grandchild’s activities so he knows what he’s doing is important to you.

10. Let your grandchild know that you are always there for him or her — no matter what happens. Make sure that he or she knows to come to you for help or information.

“I think it’s a really essential part of children’s upbringing to have other significant adults — such as grandparents — that they know they can be open and be themselves with. It gives them room to be real, to have the space to really express themselves, and to develop free from any judgment or fear of punishment.” — Dr. Jane Greer, Marriage and Family Therapist

Why do Teens Use Drugs?

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TIP: Parents and caregivers have the opportunity to guide their teen in making positive decisions about drug and alcohol use. Talk to your kids about drugs.

The teen years are often a time to explore and learn more about themselves as they approach adulthood. Often, this involves experimenting and testing their boundaries. The desire to do something new or risky is a normal part of teen development.
Teens who perceive little risk in using drugs are more likely to use drugs. Teens may also use drugs or alcohol to:

• Relieve boredom
• Feel good
• Forget their troubles and relax
• Satisfy their curiosity
• Ease their pain
• Feel grown up
• Show their independence
• Belong to a specific group

What are the Risk Factors and Protective Factors for Drug Use?
Many factors influence a child’s likelihood to use illegal substances or develop a substance abuse disorder. Effective drug prevention focuses on reducing the risk factors and strengthening the protective factors that are most closely related to substance abuse.

Risk factors are circumstances or events that increase a child’s use and abuse of drugs. The more risk factors present, the more likely a child may be to use drugs and develop problems. Risk factors for drug use include:

• Low grades or failure in school
• Victim of bullying or cyberbullying
• Low self esteem
• Permissive parenting
• Parent or older sibling drug/alcohol use
• Living in a community with a high tolerance for smoking, drinking, or drug use among youth
• Attending a school without strict rules for tobacco, alcohol, or drugs and inconsistent enforcement for breaking those rules
• Belief that there is little risk in using a drug.

Protective Factors
Protective factors are those characteristics that can reduce a person’s risk for substance abuse or addiction. Protective factors that may decrease the risk of drug use include:

• Strong bond with a parent or caregiver
• High self esteem
• Parent or caregiver who talks regularly with their child about drugs
• Active in faith-based organizations, school, athletic, or community activities
• Spending time around positive role models
• Living in a community that offers youths activities where drugs and alcohol are not tolerated
• Attending a school with an effective alcohol and drug education program and a non-tolerance policy for alcohol and drugs
• Belief that using drugs may be harmful or risky

As a parent you can control many of the risk and protective factors in your home. Remember that parents and caregivers are the most important role models in children’s lives. For more information see Growing up Drug Free: A Parent’s Guide to Prevention

Source: O’Connell, M.E., Boat, T., & Warner, K.E. (Eds.). (2009) Preventing mental, emotional, and behavioral disorders among young people: Progress and possibilities. National Research Council and Institute of Medicine of the National Academies. Washington, D.C.: The National Academies Press. Last Updated: Saturday, January 24, 2015

Building Your Child’s Self Esteem

If you’ve been noticing that your tween’s self-worth has been dropping, you may be searching for strategies for building self-esteem. While you can’t stop your child from harshly judging how their abilities and bodies match up to others, there are a number of ways you can provide support.

Encourage Tweens to Value Their Skills

When tweens value the activities they do well, they like themselves more, writes John Santrock, author of Life-Span Development . You can build self-esteem by emphasizing the importance of your tween’s talents. For example, say you and your family prizeacademics and disregard athletics. It just so happens, though, that your child is great at basketball but weak in the classroom. This can lead to a sense of low self-esteem because he or she is not good at “what matters.” So make athletics (or whatever the skill set is) count! Note that you don’t have to devalue academics in order to value athletics; you can simply make them more even in importance. Bottomline: we don’t get to choose the areas in which our children excel, but we do get to choose when we dole out praise and acceptance.

Listen and Pay Attention
We already know the greatest gift we can give our children is time and undivided attention. This fact is especially true in relation to building self-esteem. Listening does not have to occur in huge quantities to be effective. Even ten minutes of true attention is worth more than three hours of being “together” but never really focusing on what your tween is saying. Being a good listener means not offering judgments, criticisms or even advice. Simply hear what your child is saying and restate his or her comments to show that you’re listening. For example, if your tween is talking about his teacher and friends being stuck in their own problems, you might say, “You feel like no one at school cares.” It might seem hokey at first, but regular, reflective listening sessions can help a child feel validated and worthwhile.

Encourage Additional Sources of Support

Listening sessions with parents are invaluable, but tweens often need more attention, validation and support than we’re able to give. Plus, it’s healthy to encourage our children to rely on others besides ourselves. Therefore you can build self-esteem by encouraging supportive, meaningful relationships if you see these beginning to take shape. Ideally these would be adult relationships, such as with a coach, teacher or religious figure, but supportive peer relationships can also be helpful. You might also consider formal mentoring programs, says Dr. Santrock. Of course, though, tweens should not be forced into anything; having you actively arrange their relationships may undercut their sense of competence and esteem more than help it.

Let Them Fail
Letting a child try and fail is important to building their self-esteem, according to The NYU Child Study Center. This might sound counter-intuitive: I’m supposed to let my child do poorly so that they can feel good about themselves? In a word, yes! People gain a sense of competence by taking on new challenges and succeeding in them. If you discourage failure, you discourage your child from trying new things. Tweens learn resilience and coping skills when they face problems. Even better, when they reach the goal they’ve been seeking, they gain a sense of genuine ownership and capability.

Be a Good Model
Tweens learn to have healthy self-esteem by watching adults around them demonstrate healthy self-esteem. Therefore, consider how frequently you make belittling comments about yourself like “I’m fat” or “I’ll never amount to anything.” As much as you may tell your child that she’s wonderful and can do anything, she’s learning more by your actions than by your words. Therefore, working to raise your own self-esteem can directly benefit your child. This is, of course, a long process in itself. In the meantime, though, you can concentrate on catching and decreasing your negative self-comments. Not only will you feel better, but your tween probably will, too!

Active Listening: Being Fully Present

When it comes to your family’s communication foundation, you must create an environment where your child feels comfortable sharing and is willing to listen. Regular conversations between parent and child that involve active listening can assist. Regardless of the topic, when children feel like the important adults in their lives are listening and that their words matter, they are much more likely to be open in return. Keep in mind that active listening doesn’t just involve your ears; it requires your feedback.

Active listening is not staring down your child and nodding your head in agreement to his/her every word, as some may imagine. Eye contact is important and occasional nodding is ok, but there are additional ways to show your child you are engaged in the conversation and that his/her words are important to you:

• Keep It OPEN: Be clear that you welcome your child’s thoughts and questions, even if it is not in line with what you are saying. Then be sure to follow through: Maintain your cool or know that your child will mentally, if not physically, check out. 
• Be Aware of Your Body Language: Actions often speak louder than words. Consider this an opportunity to show you are listening. No need to fall off your chair, but do try leaning in toward your child as he/she talks.
• Practice Patience/Demonstrate Respect/Don’t Interrupt: While it is tempting to jump right in when something has been said that you don’t agree with or isn’t factually correct, you must momentarily bite your tongue and wait for your turn to speak. 
• Watch your Tone: Steer clear of preaching, as it is likely to go in one ear and out the other. Know that how you say something is just as important as what you say.
• Ask Follow-Up Questions: This sends the message that you are listening and that you are interested. Remind Your Child of Your Expectations: Make it clear that while you fully support an open discussion, your expectation for him/her to not engage in underage drinking or other drug use remains firm; and that if a poor choice is made, there will be negative consequences to follow.
• Close on a Positive Note: Praise your child for sharing his/her thoughts and for being open to yours. Remind him/her that as questions pop up or if he/she wants to talk more about this or any other topic, you are always there.

The gift of active listening, while it may seem simplistic, takes patience and practice. You are encouraged however, to keep your eye on the prize (a well-balanced, substance-free youth), as the benefits both you and your child are likely to gain from these ongoing, positive interactions will be well worth the effort.